About being authentic
Wearing the Inside Out
(*Because this is the internet, and some readers are vulnerable, I emphasize that the statements below about jumping off a cliff are metaphors for an act of faith, and not literal.)
***
It’s been a long trek. How I ended up back here, in this desert, I don’t know. I didn’t expect it. I set out to tell my story and what happened to me. I knew the story needed to be written, but I didn’t know how to write it and what price I’d pay.
I set out with high hopes; I set out with determination and integrity.
I never wanted any lines to be crossed or blood to be spilled.
But writing is messy. It’s a hard taskmaster and doesn’t follow the rules you set for it. It takes you by the hand and leads you down paths you didn’t choose. It won’t spare you pain; it didn’t spare mine. And I know it will force me to drag down with me whoever I need to, for the sake of the truth of this journey.
Take my hand. I see you’ve ended up here, too. I know you’re scared, like me. So, walk with me.
I know you’ve traveled a long way to get here. No one comes here unless they have to.
I see your pain. You came all this way to hide it from everyone, but you don’t have to hide it from me. Look: Our battle scars are the same. And look: When my blood spills on the ground, it will spill in the same color as yours.
Your name is Robert or Bob; that’s what they call you. But that’s not your real name, is it? At least not what you secretly call yourself. In secret, when no one is listening, you like to call yourself Brenda because that’s who you are on the inside, in the secret place where no one is looking.
Sometimes, you let her come out inside your room. You put on makeup; you wear a wig. You dress in women’s clothing, stand in front of the mirror, and look at her, the woman inside you.
The real you.
And you feel so free and right looking at her that you wish you could walk outside looking like her all the time and that the people around you would understand you and accept you.
But you’re a Christian; those are your shackles, and you know that you can’t tell them because they, more than anyone, would tear you apart.
I know where you live. I know it’s harsh out there. I know the people in your life. And I know that while some of them might understand and accept you, others will judge you terribly – they will ridicule you, ostracize you, and destroy you.
But Bob/Brenda– let me call you that – you’ve come all this way, and I think it’s starting to dawn on you what you must do. By now, I know you know I’m not telling you stories. I know you know that my words are true.
You know you have to show her to them. You have to.
I know your enemy. I know how terrified you are. I’ve looked into those eyes, too. I’ve stared into that steel. I know who the person is that you’re up against. We’ve all met her.
When you finally come out, when they all come after you – and they will – collectively, they will all be her.
I will call her “the Church Lady:”
She wears many outfits and speaks with many mouths. She doesn’t discriminate; she’ll pick both your friends and enemies as her messengers. She could be any race, black or white, male or female, old or young. She could be religious – or not – it doesn’t matter, she’ll get her point across anyway. She’s holier than thou – always! And no matter what you do, no matter how you break your back and how hard you try, whether you try it the religious way, the atheist way, or the anything-goes way – you’ll never be good enough for her.
I’m talking directly to her and her minions now:
Please don’t touch my friend, Bob/Brenda.
Keep your butter fingers off her; you don’t know what you’re doing. Walk away with your recipes, your potions, your “healing hands,” your words of “wisdom” because you make her sick.
Bob/Brenda’s life is a life of terror. It’s a life you can’t even dream of. But in your arrogance, you think you can, and in your arrogance, you think you have the answers for her. You think you can play God and direct her on her journey in a desert you haven’t stepped foot in yourself.
Her soul, her journey, is not for you to manage – don’t touch it. It’s too dangerous. All you end up doing is causing havoc.
How many lives need to be lost before you get it?
Your meddling hands aren’t for the operating table, so stop messing around with that surgeon’s scalpel. There’s blood everywhere!
It’s not your path!
You don’t know the steps she took to get where she is now and the steps she’ll still need to get where she needs to be.
Only God knows those steps.
I felt God talk to me about this, Bob/Brenda, and the feeling was strong. He told me in His strange ways, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that these were His instructions for you, me, and everyone:
He said, Wear the inside out.
That’s what I heard Him say. And I understood it was the only way for you, me, or anyone to follow Him. And if you really think it through, you’ll know why this is correct and why this is the truth.
What’s inside of you, in your secret place – you have to let that show if you want to become real.
NO MATTER WHAT IT IS.
I know we have terrible things in there, I know. Give me your list of all the awful things. I’m sure we can make it worse; I’m sure someone out there has a list worse than yours and mine, everything that might be in there, oh, the terrible things, and the shameful things, all the dark things, the dirt, the garbage…
Regardless, regardless, regardless! He says.
Wear the inside out.
That’s what He says, and He doesn’t budge. No, He doesn’t budge at all.
You wear it outwardly through your voice, face, words, and actions. You wear it because it’s the only way to become free. To become real. To follow Me.
It’s the hardest thing. Isn’t it?
But Jesus said: “Anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.” (Matthew. 10:38)
I’ll say this in a different way, but it means the same thing:
If you're not willing to look at reality and accept it exactly how it presents itself, you’re not ready for God. Think of reality as Truth or God. And think of your cross as the vehicle that will transport you to that reality, to God.
If you have conditions for your reality, for God, and you reject what your cross, your vehicle, tries to show you about reality, only accepting the truth and God, you WANT, rather than the truth and God that IS, you’re not ready for God.
And if your life, all the things you have, your relationships with the people around you and your job, your possessions, and your accomplishments are more important than the truth inside you, you’re not ready for God.
But if you accept your cross, the vehicle that will transport you to reality, to God, and allow it to lead you, even when it leads you through the valley of the shadow of death, you are ready for God. Your cross will make sure of it. It will make you lose the life you knew and take away the things you love and hold dear, for His sake, for the sake of Truth. But if you follow Him, He says He’ll return them and your life to you. That’s His promise to us.
That’s all we have, Bob/Brenda.
Are you willing to gamble on it? Are you willing to put all your eggs into that basket and throw away the life you have now, the little that’s left of it, and trust that God will give it back to you like He promised He would? Will you walk through the narrow gate that only a few, only the brave, walk through – the gate that leads to life? (Matthew. 7: 13 – 14)
What choice do we have? What’s left for us back here? I’m in the same boat as you. It’s you and I, Bob/Brenda. Are you ready?
She’s in there, Bob/Brenda. That’s your cross, like it or not. No matter what color you paint it, she’s in there. She’s with you, right beside you, wherever you are, wherever you go, she’s in there, the elephant in the room, the ghost you don’t talk about, in every interaction, with every single person, she’s with you. And just because they don’t see her or because you don’t talk about her doesn’t mean she isn’t there.
You need to show her to the world.
It’s the only way for you ever to be truly loved.
How can you ever truly feel loved if you never show yourself? Tell me. Are you truly loved if the person who loves you only loves the façade you built? Who do they love? What chance does anyone have to love you if you’re never fully there?
You must say the words. You must tell them she’s in there.
I know hiding her is easier. I know it hurts less that way, at the moment. It allows you to keep your friends and your social status. And sometimes, you almost convince yourself that she isn’t there. Yes, you do. You believe the picture on the outside of you. After all, the people in the churches gave you that picture, and they should know, shouldn’t they? They have the words of the Bible to tell you what you look like inside, don’t they?
But they’re not on the inside, Bob/Brenda. And they can’t tell you what’s in there; only you can. How would they know what’s in there unless you tell them? Who’s in there? Who’s the expert? You’re the only one to steer this ship, Bob/Brenda. You’re the one to control the narrative and tell the story. It’s not for them to do. It’s not their story.
And yes, I know what it means to you to show her to the world:
It's committing social suicide.
It’s like jumping off a cliff into nothingness and hoping God catches you.
*But Bob/Brenda, I’ll be with you when you say the words. The true words. I’ll be with you when you take that step and leap off that cliff. I’ll be with you when you step over the edge into the wide-open, empty sky. I’ll jump in with you! *
Because I have my own secret, and to me, it’s just as big as yours. It’s a different secret, but it’s just as big!
I’ll do this with you, hand in hand, because I know something else.
I know what happens when you take the risk and step into nothingness, carried only by the wings of a prayer. It’s then, and ONLY THEN, when the help will come. Something happens in the spirit when you decide to be brave and trust that He’ll help you. This is the only way to test God: You put your trust and your life in His hands and follow His voice; this is how the help will come. I don’t know when, and I don’t know how, but it will come.
This is how you learn to fly and live by faith.
I’ve tried it before; I’ve stepped over the edge, other edges, not this one, but I’ve stepped over, and I’ve fallen through the sky before, and the help came, and it came in unusual ways, and I called it a miracle.
I’m asking you to give Him a chance. This is how He teaches us. This is how we learn to fly.
Jesus walked on water. He didn’t walk on water for the fun of it. He walked on water when He needed to, to get where He needed to be. (Mathew 14: 22-33) You’ll walk on water, too, when you need to. Not for the fun of it, but when you need to. And this is when you need to. Steps will rise underneath the waves to give you your footing, but they won’t rise before you step out. You need to step out first. That’s how it works; don’t ask me why.
I believe it Bob/Brenda!
I’ve experienced it! I know it works. I’ve seen it work! It’s like when a row of wooden blocks falls. YOU have to set that movement into motion. You’re the one to knock over the first block WITH YOUR ACTIONS.
Yes, the help will come, but it won’t be easy. There will be difficult moments. You'll still have to go through them, just like Jesus did. Didn’t He know it? Didn’t He say that He came for that very hour when He needed to go through His suffering? (John 12:27)
I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Yes, I think you WILL lose your job, Bob/Brenda. Where you live and work now? Yes, I’m sure they’ll get rid of you. I’m not going to sell you a fantasy. I think I'll lose mine, too. Even though I work in the “cradle of liberty.” Let them read my story and see how liberal they truly are, because I WILL push the envelope. Yes, we’ll probably both lose our jobs when they find out what’s inside of us, behind the curtains.
And then what? How do we pay our bills? How do we keep our homes? Will we lose those, too? What will happen to our children? They’ll also be affected. We still need to take care of them.
Yes, your son and your daughter, Bob/Brenda, your children, the precious cargo you accumulated when you went out there looking for yourself. What about them? What happens when you reveal the truth about yourself to them?
Did you recognize that voice inside you? That was Satan asking you those questions because he's in there too, and you heard him clearly when he asked:
How can you be so selfish to not think about your son and daughter? It’s not only your own life you’ll destroy; you'll ruin theirs, too! You’ll take their security, their stability, their home. And why? So, you can go and be yourself – whatever that means! How do you tell them that they never knew you? What’s it going to do to their childhood memories? All the happy memories? Will you tell them they were all lies, because they’ll ask? Who were you in those moments that meant so much to them? Where were you? And how do you tell your mom? Or your best friend – you’re soon to be ex-best friend?
You think Satan won’t hit you where it hurts the most, Bob/Brenda? You think he’ll be nice and give you a hall pass? You think he hasn’t studied you meticulously for all these years and found out where all your buttons are?
But the footsteps will come, and the path will build itself.
Walk with me! Wear the inside out!
Is Bob/Brenda the real you?
Only God, who lives inside you, knows, and only God, who lives inside you, can give you the directions on your path. Step by step. One day at a time, not worrying about tomorrow. What will that path look like? Sex change operation? Or is it a demon inside you?
I wouldn’t pretend to know.
Only He will have the answers for you. You must hold His hand and let Him lead you on His path.
But will you be ready to hear everything He says about Brenda when the time comes for Him to reveal it to you? No matter what it is? Even if it’s something that hurts you? It could happen. That’s the cross.
I know you love her. I know she’s life to you. But you must be willing to give her up if that’s what God shows you, just like Abraham was asked to give up Isaac. (Gen. 22: 1-19)
I’m preparing for the same.
I have something like Brenda in me, too—something precious: memories of Heaven from a time before I was born into this life. They're not the secret, just part of it. I’ve carried them inside me throughout the majority of my life. They were inside me in my twenties, stopping me from ending my life when I was ready to give up. They were inside me in my thirties to offer perspective on the suffering I had to go through at the time. They were still inside me in my forties when the suffering continued without ceasing. And now, in my fifties, they’re STILL in there.
I don’t know if the memories are an illusion. Or a misunderstanding on my part about a real phenomenon that I don’t understand. I only know I’m asked to talk about them, illusion or not. Those are my directions since there is no other way to address what’s inside me.
How can I tell you what they mean to me? They’re a window out of the prison cell I've spent my life in, putting it into perspective and allowing me to forgive and understand. They’re a promise, a return to innocence and unspeakable joy. I remember!
Are they not everything to me? Haven’t they given me a reason to go on for all these years when I didn’t think I could take another minute?
Tell me they’re not everything to me!
But just like I’m asking you to give up Brenda, if you need to, in the same way, I need to be willing to give up my memories of Heaven if God shows me that they’re false.
That’s the cross!
I’m putting them on the table now to examine their validity. Let the vultures come and pick them apart. Let the Church Lady come with her minions!
What does she know, and what does she risk? Living in her luxury, her mainstream life, that fits so nicely inside society’s boxes? Not having to worry about controversial visions or her gender identity? What does she risk?
No, we don’t care about her opinion.
But what about you, Bob/Brenda? Will you judge me like she does? Will you say I have megalomania? Will you tell me I’m crazy too? But isn't that what the Church Lady says about you?
Or will you listen to me, even if you don’t understand me, as I listen to you?
Walk with me.
I wouldn’t desert you for who you are, for what’s inside you when you show it to me, just as I wouldn’t abandon those who sit and watch us in the dark from their hiding places. They, too, have things locked away inside them. They're so afraid to reveal those things, so terrified that they need someone to go first and light the way. Only then will they have the courage to follow. And they will follow and fight with us in this war, and you better believe it's a war, it's the realest war there is, the battle of our souls. They'll come Bob/Brenda and stand in our ranks, by our side, our Sisters and Brothers in Arms.
We'll step over the cliff's edge for them and show them it's possible.
But I see that you're still hesitant, my friend.
And I understand – it’s hard. I’m not here to judge you for it. Only you know when you're ready. Only you know when it’s time.
But for me, the road behind is blackened and destroyed. The things that kept me going have burned down to the ground. I have nothing left to return to, only death. And I can’t go on like this anymore.
I can only step forward.
Will it destroy me? Were God’s words an illusion all along? Were they not true? Were the miracles of the past coincidences and unreliable guides? Was my advice to you foolish? Will I crash to the ground?
There's only one way for us to find out, isn't there?